I had a “Job” moment last night. You know, one of those “Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth?” kind of moments. The kind where we question God. And God silences us.
I had come across this very thought provoking quote by Beth Moore:
“Fear is an emotional outburst of unbelief.”
Go ahead and read that again. I know I had to. I wondered. If fear has its roots in unbelief, then what about God am I not believing? What am I doubting about Him, His character, His activity in the world and in my life?
I decided to be honest about the things I sometimes think about God, but don’t often voice because they look so ugly out in the open. I timidly peeled back the layers of spiritual correctness I hid them behind.
The “conversation” that followed went something like this. (My words are in italics. God’s words are in bold. Words in quotes are Scripture.)
I don’t believe You are still in control of this fallen world. It looks to me like sin messed things up too badly.
I don’t believe You can be trusted when You say You will protect us and that no harm will come to us. Because harm DOES come. People get sick and die. Soldiers don’t come home alive.
I don’t believe that Your good and perfect plan should involve pain and suffering.
Neither did Peter and the disciples. Boy, were they surprised…
Peter: “This shall never happen to You, Lord!”
Jesus: “Get behind me, Satan.” (Matthew 16:22)
The belief that bad things should never happen to good people is a lie from Satan.
And I have believed it.
“You are seeing things merely from a human point of view, not from God’s.” (Matthew 16:23)
It’s true. I am so focused on the here and now. You see the Big Picture.
I wasn’t quite ready to give up yet.
“If You are really God, then why don’t You prove it by…?”
This was the essence of Satan’s temptation of Jesus in Matthew 4 and what I realized was at the heart of my doubt.
Oh, I could. But even if I don’t, I am still God.
Then He repeated what He said when Peter was trying to intervene (again) on the night of His arrest:
“Do you think I cannot call on my Father and He will at once put at my disposal more than twelve legions of angels?” (Matthew 26:53)
Oh, I can alright.
“But if I did, how then will the Scriptures be fulfilled, which say that it must happen this way?” (v. 54)
I took one more swing.
But God, YOU wrote the Scriptures! You wrote the script! You could have written it any way You wanted!
WAS there any other way?
I thought for a moment before raising the white flag.
No. There was no other way. Your ways are not my ways.
“No one (took my life) from Me but I (laid) it down of my own accord. I have authority to lay it down and I have authority to take it up again.” (John 10:18)
I was the One in control, even when it appeared things were out of control. I am still the One in control. Just because I don’t act in the way you think I should doesn’t mean I am not.
I AM GOD.
I AM IN CONTROL.
I KNOW WHAT I AM DOING.
Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.
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